The word ‘confession’ shares several letters with the word ‘confusion’, so as one confused I’ll start there. I decided I was confused when during worship this morning we were urged to consider confession and forgiveness. Well, it was a church, so maybe that’s not too surprising.
The gospel story was about a woman ‘take in adultery’, a somewhat old fashioned phrase for an activity that takes two at least. You might wonder if this story is ever heard at the chapel door, but it is. A few years ago, a young woman who had survived a sexual assault told me that ‘If I was going to give a sermon it would be about that one where he says ‘anyone who has not sinned can throw the first stone’: that one’. It was an interesting comment from someone who had been under the age of 16 at the time of the assault, not a woman but a child, a victim a survivor. Of course there are many silences in the story recorded in the gospel as well.
And in most situations where the call is for forgiveness and confession there are also a lot of silences, which bring me back to confusion. Who should I forgive? What should I confess? I have a lot of things going round in my heard but mostly I’m confused. I’m told God will forgive me, but my experience is that like Zaccheus, I have been forgiven before I even thought of asking (note that Zach entertains Jesus to tea before he, Zach, makes any public statement of putting right past wrongs, and it’s Jesus who invites himself to tea, not Zach who initiates the tea thing).
I’ve heard folks say it can help a person feel better to forgive others, but as far as my own situation is concerned, God does not seem to require this of me, at least not yet. Understanding the depth of my hurt, God just stays with me. With so much silence surrounding the events themselves and no one much taking any responsibility for them, I still feel in limbo. The situation is unresolved. Should I forgive someone for sending me a poorly worded email for example and if so how?Am I forgiving an individual or a post holder who was doing a job on behalf of others that none of those involved had fully thought about? Where does the forgiveness start and what is my part in it? How will I record my forgiveness? I’m pretty sure the email is long gone in the memory of most, along with the reports, the inconsistencies, the insensitivity, the lack or truth or transparency, the poor leadership, and the silence of the bystanders who still don’t know what to say. I wonder if this will not change until the silence is broken somehow but I’m confused about how and where that happens.
Forgiveness is complicated so its no wonder confession and confusion seem to be linked. I don’t want to be dragging stuff along with me for ever but neither do I feel that brushing it all away or ignoring the hurting is a good idea. Whilst there is silence there is still something unresolved. Forgiveness implies an ongoing relationship. At the moment I don’t think I have one with those who caused the hurt. So I’ll remain confused at least for now.
There’s confusion in the gospel too. Zach stands at the bottom of the tree and the neighbours must be confused. Jesus writes on the ground with the stick when the woman is accused. We don’t know what he wrote, which is a bit confusing.
After the service we were offered bubbles to blow. At least that’s not confusing. I blew my bubbles and felt, as they floated away, that I’d aired the subject.
In our life and our believing
The love of God.